Reality Reconstruction

You And Me, We Are On The Same Page

Who would you trust with a diet recommendation, your best friend? Or some fast talking guy on TV with a cheap suit and a big belly? Who would you prefer to buy an expensive item from, somebody roughly the same age and gender as you, a well being an alumni of the same school, or somebody that is as different from you as Lady Gaga is from Pavarotti?

In this final installation of the seven magical laws of influence, beautifully described by Cialdini in is oft referenced work, “Influence, Science and Practice,” we’ll take a look at something called “Liking.”

We tend to be much more open to ideas from people that we like, rather than people we don’t like.

Duh.

But what surprised some is not only that some aspects of ‘liking’ are a bit on the politically incorrect side, but also that some are rather easy to fake if you know what you’re doing.

First, as you are reading this, think of one of your good friends. One you’ve had for a while. There was a time when you didn’t know this person. Then you met them. Something clicked, and you decided to hang out together, as friends usually do. Maybe you shared the same experiences, lived in the same neighborhood, liked the same obscure micro brew, or shared a prison cell together.

The first aspect of liking, then, similarity. We like people that are like us. The more you spend time with somebody, the more shared experiences you have, and the more you grow similar by those shared experiences.

This might seem hard to fake, but it’s actually pretty easy. In NLP they teach something called “mirroring and matching.” When you are in a conversation with somebody, matching their body language, tone of voice and speed of speech will do a great deal to persuade them, on an unconscious level, that you are similar to them.

This goes way beyond the transparent, “No Way! You Like cheeseburgers? Me too!”

When you mirror and match the way somebody is sitting, talking, and gesturing, this will quickly create a very strong and unconscious bond. Unless they are specifically on guard against this, they will start to get a strong “feeling” that they really like you for some reason. Top salespeople are keenly aware of this.

Another aspect of liking is physical appearance. Unfortunate, but true. Better looking salespeople make more sales. Taller presidential candidates have a slightly better chance of being elected. Attractive people make for more trusting news anchors. This can enhanced of course, with various clothing and accessories. If you are in sales, or need to persuade somebody, make sure to wear some nice threads, and give yourself a clean shave, or dress attractively with appropriate make up. Leave it to your true friends to deal with the “real you.”

Another aspect of physical appearance is how you carry yourself. In an interesting study on posture, John Molloy did some research that indicates better posture can increase you attractiveness by a full two points. He arranged a double blind study where college students would enter and mingle in bar for a few hours, and purposely hold their posture a certain way. Those that stood up straight with their shoulders back got, on average, two more points (on a scale from 1 to 10) than when they had their shoulders slumped and their heads down.

Even you weren’t born a beauty queen or fit to be on the cover of Men’s Health, there’s plenty you an do to boost your attractiveness.

Another factor in “liking” is association. If people associate good things with you, they will like you. In the presidential debate between Clinton and Dole, whenever Clinton would say words or phrases that had a good chance of evoking good feelings, (like “strong economy,” “security,” “safety,” etc.) he would point to himself. (There’s a reason he got the nickname “Slick Willy”) This is another trick from NLP. By pointing or gesturing toward yourself while saying positive emotion inducing words and phrases, people will start to associate those good feelings with you.

One final aspect of liking is probably the oldest in the book. A genuine, honest compliment. People love hearing compliments, despite how embarrassed they may feel. Compliments on behavior or choices are much more powerful than telling them what lovely eye they have. Just don’t over do it.

How do defend against these?

As always, your conscious, rational mind is your best means of defense. Would you buy the same product or sign up for the same service if the guy selling it was twenty years older than you and smelled like he hadn’t showered in a week? Focus on the product or the idea, rather than the person selling it or delivering the message. This can be incredibly difficult if they are attractive, have done a good job matching your body language, and given you a few genuine, honest compliments.

The best way to make sure you don’t get carried away by these unconscious triggers is to simply have an intention to either buy a certain product at a certain price, or to only shop and not buy anything until you’ve thought it over in the safety of your own home.

And any time you start to feel compelled to do or believe something, when you hadn’t made any plans on doing it, check your instincts for warning signs. If it’s worth doing right this minute, it’ll still be worth doing a week from now.

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