Reality Reconstruction

I Sense A Great Deal Of Good In You

Sleight of Mouth language patterns have been used in everything from therapy and sales, to seduction and getting elected (even to President). You can use them in any situation where you find yourself up against a verbal objection, or an expression of limitation based on some model of the world.

Today’s pattern is called “Positive Prior Intention Framing,” and is a bit of a doozy. It may seem a bit presumptuous, as you are assuming you know something about why a person is saying or believing something. But in this case, you are assuming a positive intention, and most people don’t get offended when somebody assumes something about them that’s positive.

The basic structure is like this. Somebody has got this objection, or limitation. That means in their mind, the way they are thinking about something, there is a problem preventing them from getting what they want. Maybe they think they can’t afford a product, or maybe they don’t think they can successfully convince their boss to give them a raise. In their mind, on that particular topic, there is something out of reach, and some big hairy (imaginary) monster keeping them from getting it. Not the best state to be in.

Then you come along, and listen to and understand their (imagined) predicament and come up with a positive reason they have constructed their own predicament. They can mentally step back from the situation, feel more resourceful (as most people will generally agree, at least in part, with the positive assumptions others express about them) and have a much higher likelihood of figuring out their limitation, or coming up with a way around their objection.

Underlying this particular reframes is one of the presuppositions of NLP, namely, that behind every behavior or belief lies a positive intention. People don’t eat too much because they want to get fat, it’s because the food gives them comfort, and seeking comfort is a positive intention. People don’t drop out of college because they want to limit their options, it’s because they fear failure, and avoiding pain is one of the oldest positive intentions of human nature.

To use this conversationally, you’ll need to think of some positive intention, or some possible positive intention behind their stated belief or objection.

• What are they really after?
• What are they protecting themselves from?
• How has this helped them in the past?
• How can this help them now?

Then you phrase in a positive, complimentary way, and carefully show them that they are much more resourceful than they think. Their mood will improve, their outlook will become brighter, and they will discover resources and ideas they hadn’t thought of before (either on their own or with your covert help), and may very well convince themselves of another way around their imagined obstacle or limitation.

Some examples.

Stated limitation:

I can’t get a good job because I don’t have a college degree.

Possible positive intentions:

They want to maintain their safety. They don’t want to compete with others they consider “out of their league.” They want to stay with what’s familiar and known. They don’t want to get in over their head. They don’t want to try, and fail.

Possible conversational reframes:

So you want to get a job that’s stable, I can totally understand that. With today’s economy, focusing on maintaining a stable job is an extremely valuable trait to have. Many employers, in fact, are starting to shift their focus on from people with specific qualifications to those that can really focus and learn on the job, in order to create that stability both for the employee, and the employer. You might consider that when sending out your resumes.

Stated limitation:

I can’t find a romantic partner because I’m overweight.

Positive intentions:

Safety, security, emotional stability.

Reframe:

Sure, I can understand that. Nobody likes being rejected. It seems like more and more people these days are looking for somebody with exactly those characteristics. Somebody that is going to commit to something long term, rather than a short time fling.

Stated limitation:

I can’t learn all these language patterns, they are too difficult and time consuming.

Reframe:

Yea, I can relate. I hate studying all kinds of esoteric knowledge that has very little application. There’s only twenty four hours in the day, and you’ve simply got to decide what’s important and what isn’t. It’s good that you recognize that. Most people don’t. One of the reasons I like these patterns so much is that they make your communication so much more efficient, you don’t have to spend all day trying to convince somebody to do something. Just a few minutes is all you need.

(end examples)

A really good way to practice this pattern is to simply observe people you see. You don’t have to look very hard to see people that are engaged in behaviors and conversations that don’t appear to be very useful or healthy. Instead of judging, simply take a step back and imagine three or four different positive intentions behind their behavior.

Just doing this one exercise, even if you don’t bring it to the level of conversational reframes, has the interesting effect of making the world seem a lot less hostile.

And that can brighten your mood considerably.

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