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“What is the one thing that you would love to have in this world?” ( i wanted him to think about something positive and exciting instead of the visual of the BEING SCARED and “HURTH” his dad had unknowingly interjected into his mind.) 

“I want a new bike – the blue bike we saw the other day”,he said with a big smile! 

“Wow, I see that beautiful Smile! I bet when you are on that bike, you will be smiling all the time won’t you!” I asked.

“YESSSS!” He said. I could see the excitement in this body language and hear it in his voice.

“And when people see you on that bike, you want to show them that beautiful smile you already have don’t you?”

“Yes”

“You know why dentists become dentists?”,I asked 

“No”

“To help people have beautiful smiles’ like yours! We all go to the dentist so he or she can look at our mouth and make sure we have healthy and beautiful smiles. Do you know why it is important to have healthy and strong teeth?”

“To eat?” he said

“You are one smart cookie….I bet when that dentist looks in your mouth. he is going to say ‘WOW.. what beautiful teeth!’ and give you a present to help you keep your teeth healthy and strong”

“What kind of a present?”- he asked leaning forward 

“You will have to wait and find out…” – I said watching him lean back and start imagining what it could be.   

My friend was a single dad trying very hard to survive his wife’s death. He was now playing the role of both parents. He told me he wanted his children to grow up strong, happy and healthy. I realized at that point that parents do not realize the power they have with the language they utilize in their daily life – especially with their children.

Because I had studied cognitive sciences such as NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming, – Hypnosis and others – I had a clear understanding of how people process information.  In my early years, learning to tap into the power of your mind for goal achievement and Accelerated Learning was my goal. As I mastered certain areas, it drove me to learn more about other modalities and incorporate them. When I became a parent, I studied how I can help my child grow up with access to these powers. I knew children have amazing powers that we limit based on our experiences and beliefs.  I wanted my children to grow up knowing anything is possible if they believe it.

I coached my friend through tough times as he learned more about the power he had and how he could transform not only his kids lives but also his by changing the way he was using “language”.

You see we all go through a process of learning by association. Once we create the core foundation, everything else is associated to it. For example, if I draw an irregular  figure and ask you what it is, you would say it looks like …. because there is no defined word for the exact figure I drew. And this is also how we communicate. We pick and choose words that create certain associations in our minds. When you are talking with your kids, you have to realize that EVERYTHING you say will go through these 2 steps:

Take in all the information and associate it with an image or a feeling – create a meaning Analyze it and decide what to do with it  

 You have heard of the example – Don’t think of a “Pink Elephant” – What happens is people get the visual for a pink elephant then they decide ok.. I am not suppose to think about it. But you have actually thought about it. The process has already taken place.

This is very important to understand when speaking to children because the first seven years, they build the foundation of how they associate, process information and store it. So in the story above, when he said

“Don’t be SCARED” – the child automatically went through and thought of the image or feeling of ”SCARED” whatever it may be to him/her. Then can wonder ”Am I suppose to be scared?” When he followed up with  ”It’s not going to ‘HURT’” Now there are two negative images that are now associated with going to the dentist.

Most parents do not realize how their words get interpreted by their children. Some also do not realize that their analysis step is not as finely defined as an adult so in some cases they don’t know how to analyze it. We all take in information and process it by analyzing it and deciding whether we should

Delete it Generalize it Distort it

For children, depending on their age, they do not have this process defined. They are still learning.

Let me give you another quick example. My nephew used to cling on to my sisters legs crying as she tried to drop him off at daycare. As the caretakers pried him away from my sister, he would scream as if people were toring his arms off, screaming and reaching out to my sister as tears rolled down his cheeks. ( Notice how you are visualizing what I am saying to you. These visuals are unique to you and you need to create these visuals or feelings in order for you to create meaning and understand – this is how your children process what YOU say as well… ok back to the story) It would leave my sister feeling terrible all day. So when my sister saw my daughter being dropped off with no terror associated with separation, she told me how lucky I was. It was not luck. It is how you define “their” world. You see as parents and teachers we have THE ULTIMATE POWER to help our children create an empowering, happy and healthy world. An event can be looked and experienced totally different depending on your perspective and associations.

You can help your children associate pride and beaming smile about their visit to dentist or you can associate hurt or feelings of being scared. YOU have that power with the words you choose for your child. Your child will create those visuals and process them by creating associations.   

I remember my friend jerking her son away from the spider in the playground and saying “Don’t touch the spider it might BITE you” – what a great way to create phobias or negative associations!

My daughter was bit by a spider when she was little and she came crying saying she was bit by a spider… I didn’t want her to have fears of spiders so we went outside and found another spider. I knelt down to her level and pointed at the littel spider on the floor and said

“That spider is so little and you are SO big! Just imagine how you must look to him. If you were that little and a big GIRL that is like a giant came over.. how would you feel?” -I watched her body language as she created those visuals and I continued;

“See the spider doesn’t know what you are going to do to him and it might try to protect himself the only way he can – which is biting… it can’t push you away.. right? or run away? – because you are so big…  Can you understand how that little spider might have felt before it bit you? He must have been so scared of you” What kind of visuals do you think she created in her mind. Today she is almost a teenager and she loves animals. She finds spiders and puts them in a cup and takes them outside saying “I hope you find a safe place”

Another classic example;

“Don’t’ throw your food” and what does the child do? Throw the food.

Parents need to think about how children process the language they are using.

When the parent says “Don’t throw your food” – what do they have to visualize or feel to understand what you are saying or associate meaning? - throwing food. And yes the younger they are the less analysis power they have so they don’t process the DON’T and they end up doing what they thought you meant!

As parents or teachers we have a responsibility to create the best environment we can for our children. Learning to provide empowering belief systems that lead them to health, happiness and success is the most rewarding thing you can for yourself and your children. Remember YOU have great power!

And note that language is powerful in all areas of life – Mind, Body, Spirit and Business. What you say, how you say it and what process YOU personally go through is a great way to master your own Language Patterns and start to empower yourself as the affect will spill over to everyone around you and in everything you do.

We offer trainings for parents and also in language patterns which enable people to utilize the power of language in all aspects of their lives. It is not just with your kids but also how you speak to yourself and others can reveal a lot about your current state. Ability to notice how others around you utilize language (the words they prefer to use) to communicate is also empowering. In our trainings, language is just one aspect of understanding and empowernment. We integrate various other areas and techniques to ensure positive parenting. For example; it is important to be able to read HOW your children are reacting to your language. You need to be able to see the subtle shifts in their body language and energies. You need to know what you are saying is being processed with the outcome you desire.

Thank you for reading and I know as you think about how you communicate to your kids or others, you will be able to notice the process and the impact language has. Just notice how reading this short article made you think and feel and how you have already learned something you can utilize today.  

Please share this with another parent who might benefit from this information. It is through sharing we can spead the knowledge and understanding. I love receiving emails from my readers stating how my artciles, stories or teachings have impacted their lives. There is no better feeling in the world than knowing you have made a  positive impact in someone’s life.

Related NLP Language Patterns Articles

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There is a famous quote that goes something like this: “kids today don’t listen anymore, and they don’t respect their elders, blah blah blah,” which sounds like a common enough complaint. When you realize that was spoken by some Greek guy over two thousand years ago, it becomes apparent that old people grumbling about kids is common to every generation.

But one thing that is different, at least in this particular situation is there are some statistics to back this up. According to several sources, there are less and less people getting and staying married. And there are less and less people attending religious services on a regular basis. Before you click off this page thinking that I’m some right wing family values religious nutcase, please understand I haven’t stepped foot in a church since my fathers funeral, and I think it’s absolutely fantastic that social pressures that keep people in otherwise unhappy marriages are crumbling, giving people freedom that they wouldn’t have enjoyed in other generations.

That being said, I think this is an interesting phenomenon from a scientific, societal standpoint. There are less and less marriages, and many more divorces, which many argue lead naturally to a less stable upbringing for kids. Of course there is the argument that kids are better of with separated or divorced parents than with parents together but at each others throat all the time.

Also, less and less families are attending any kind of church services as a whole. When you combine these two together, you have less positive role models for kids to look up to, which leaves them only with each other to learn how to behave and act in modern society.

Please keep in mind that I am not arguing for people to stay married if they hate each other, or get married if they aren’t ready. Nor am I advocating any church participation of any sort. I jus think it’s interesting to watch the dynamic unfold, and how it will affect society in years to come.

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility, and if you are of the persuasion that it is up to society to teach you morals and proper behavior, and then you are at the mercy of the ebbs and flow of societal trends, be they good or bad.

If, however, you are inclined to choose your own moral path, based upon your own choices and decisions for where you want your own life to lead, then there has never been a better time that right now.

Crumbling influences of society can be good, and it can be bad. Like any other system, those that depend upon it stand to lose when the system has problems. Those that understand the system for what it is, and use it to their advantage usually come out ahead, regardless of their social economic background and upbringing.

Crumbling social pressures to get and stay married may make finding and keeping a partner more difficult, but much more rewarding once they are found.

Similarly, releasing oneself from the restrictions of the two thousand year old religious moral authority may seem frightening at first, but when you realize you can make your own rules, (so long as you are prepared to live with the consequences,) you can gain so much more power.

What many come to realize is that when they choose their own path in life, they find that their own personal code of morals and ethics closely mimic the beneficial ones from religion. Don’t kill, steal, or covet, or lie. And as a bonus, some of the stuff is supposedly bad, isn’t so bad after all.

Like sex and money are perfectly fine so long as you make sure everybody is happy, and nobody gets hurt. Of course, if you’re going to make more people, then you need to be sure they grow up with the best resources, mental and otherwise, to achieve their dreams in life as well. Maybe that’s what my neighbor was getting at.

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Turns out he and his wife had been planning on taking a vacation as soon as they could get their respective vacation times at their jobs to coincide. Their bigger plan is to take on last vacation together, kind of like a second honeymoon (even though they’ve only been married 2 years) before starting to build a family.  Seems that they take a pragmatic approach. Get married. Save money. Have kids.

“So what’s the problem?” I asked. “You guys sound like you’re really together! You guys are able to plan your life together, and make your plans that that you an easily achieve them. You are a lot better than most people. Most people shoot first, then maybe think about aiming in couple weeks. What gives?”

After my friend explained his problem to me, I understood. It seems that they both had their respective hearts set on a specific vacation place. And they both assumed that the other person had agreed to go to their place. And when they sat down to plan their fun, they realized that they weren’t on the same page. And since they both kind of viewed this as a ’last vacation together’ kind of thing, neither of them wanted to budge.

Which is interesting in and of itself. Most people can make plans, and then follow through. But we can run into problems when you don’t communicate well with others who will be involved in those plans. It’s like when other people don’t object, we assume that they will go along with us. I reminded my friend about this, as raising a kid requires that you be flexible and communicate well. I asked my friend that since they were both guilty of the same thing, if they could compromise.

“What do you mean, compromise?” My friend asked. “I want to go here, and she wants to go there. They are totally different. One person has to lose for the other to win.” Aha. I thought I saw the problem.

I was reminded of a business negotiation seminar I took. We would role play being different business situations, and practice these negotiation skills. For example, a Union Boss would want more health benefits, more vacation time, and higher pay. The Business Manager would want to save money wherever possible. The trick in being a negotiator, was to keep asking “What’s important about that?” Until you got a point where the Union Boss and the Business Manager could find a solution that would satisfy both of their respective deeper needs.  

For example, the Union Boss’s underlying concern was that the workers would realize that the company was serious about taking care of them, as the increases in health benefits and wages were really only symbolic. And the Business Manager was concerned with the long term growth of the company. As a ‘pretend’ negotiator, I explained to the Union Boss that the more stable the Business manager thought the future of the company was, the more willing he’d be to extend their long term contracts. And I explained to the Business Manager that by giving just a little bit of a raise, they would be much more willing to lock in that rate if it were for an extended contract period.

It was an interesting seminar that taught a lot about negotiating, and the importance of communication. Especially when you are able to find out what’s important to the people you care about, so when you make plans for the future, you can be sure to involve everyone.

I explained this to my friend, and we actually role played a few scenarios between him and his wife.  After a few practice rounds, he was convinced that they would be able to find a new place which would satisfy both their vacations needs for their second honeymoon. 

They invited me over to dinner a few days later. I tepidly asked them about their vacation, hoping I wasn’t precluding myself from any future dinners by starting world war three.

They both immediately broke into huge grins. Aha! I thought to myself. Maybe they would at least give me partial credit for solving their marital problems. Where would they go? Greece? Italy? Mexico? Maybe they’d let me house sit. They have a really nice, really HUGE flat screen HD TV.

“We canceled our vacation!”

Huh?

“We decided to put the money into an extra room. We’re building a nursery!”

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